This chapter begins with a discussion of Camelot and the story of King Arthur, Lady Guinevere, and Lancelot. It discusses the unfaithfulness of Lady Guinevere to Arthur, and the dilemma that it placed King Arthur in. He had to punish Guinevere for what she had done, and the punishment was death. However, his love for her, despite her unfaithfulness, caused him to want to grant her mercy. He could not do so, and risk looking weak in front of his people, so he hung his hopes on Lancelot rushing in to save her. Lancelot did, and Arthur was spared putting her to death. This is comparable to what God has done for us as sinners, except one important component was missing. There was never any justice for what Guinevere had done. With God's grace and mercy upon us, justice was paid through the death of His Son Jesus, and His love for us was shown.
A secure love is defined as a steady and sure love that is written on the hard drive of our children's souls. It's a complete love that they default to when their hearts are under attack. It's the kind of love that children can confidently carry with them into the future.
There are some reasons why children move into adulthood without a secure love. First, love can be incomplete because children feel they constantly have to compete for it. Second, love can be incomplete because our children feel like they have to earn it.
Kimmel defines love as the "commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost". The first part, "Love is the commitment of my will.." It is this part that may require a parent to be courageous, say no to one's fears, and place your feelings in check. The second part "to your needs and best interests.." is not about my needs and best interests. It is not in our children's best interests to give them everything they want. The third part "regardless of the cost" means that we may have to delay things in our own life, career opportunities, material possessions to love our children as they need it.
How do we make our children feel loved securely? First, Children know they are loved when they feel that they are accepted as they are. Children know they are loved securely when they are affiliated with a loving and honoring family. Lastly, Children feel they are loved securely when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.
Thoughts to ponder...
"What would your children asy they are competing against for your love and attention?"
"What part of Tim's definition of love is the hardest for you to carry out, and why?"
-Love is the commitment of my will
-to your needs and best interests
-regardless of the cost
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Chapter 2 Discussion
The second chapter begins with a discussion of what God's grace truly is. First of all, Kimmel states that it is grace alone that separates Christianity from every other religion in the world. "God's grace has the power to transform the most hardened, indifferent soul into a person spilling over with kindness. If God our heavenly Father is the perfect Father, and the primary way that He deals with us as humans is through the power of His grace, it stands to reason that grace forms the best template for bringing out the best in our own children." (p.28) It is grace that should affect how you develop your children's goals, how you handle discipline, how you process their fears, how you deal with their quirks and idiosyncrasies, and how you respond to their fads.
There are opposing points of view on parenting with grace in Christian families. Some view parenting with grace as to go soft on moral standards, and that parents who use it make it an excuse to go soft on enforcing rules. On the other extreme are families that view grace as a "get out of responsibility free" card. Kimmel says that both are wrong. A family without clearly defined rules and standards could never be a grace-based family, because it is too much of a nightmare to live in. On the other hand, it is the lack grace in well-behaved homes that turns children's hearts away from God when they are finally too big to intimidate and too old to control. There is an inseparable nature of grace and truth.
Thoughts to ponder...
"Did your upbringing tend to lean toward legalism or license? How does that affect your parenting?"
"How are you personally letting your light shine before your children so that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven?"
There are opposing points of view on parenting with grace in Christian families. Some view parenting with grace as to go soft on moral standards, and that parents who use it make it an excuse to go soft on enforcing rules. On the other extreme are families that view grace as a "get out of responsibility free" card. Kimmel says that both are wrong. A family without clearly defined rules and standards could never be a grace-based family, because it is too much of a nightmare to live in. On the other hand, it is the lack grace in well-behaved homes that turns children's hearts away from God when they are finally too big to intimidate and too old to control. There is an inseparable nature of grace and truth.
Thoughts to ponder...
"Did your upbringing tend to lean toward legalism or license? How does that affect your parenting?"
"How are you personally letting your light shine before your children so that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven?"
Monday, February 1, 2010
Chapter 1 Discussion
Here is an overview of Ch. 1:
First, Dr. Kimmel discusses some of the challenges facing parents; he uses the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle that is missing pieces, has some pieces from a different puzzle thrown in, and is missing the box cover with the picture of the finished puzzle. His point is that many parents in our culture parent like this -- with no clear picture of what they are doing. To further complicate the issue, our society has removed many of the moral boundaries that used to make raising children more clear-cut. According to Dr. Kimmel, this has led to two kinds of extreme parents, even in Christian circles: those who give their children no clear boundaries and those who create boundaries that are far more tight than they need to be in order to try to control their children. He also makes the point that within the Christian community, there are those who have turned what should be suggestions for good parenting into requirements for good parenting. He writes: "...Within the clear boundaries of God's moral law in the Bible, there is actually a lot of latitude offered as to how to raise your children. Unfortunately, it's easy for some voices to frame many good ideas as requirements for effective parenting" (Kimmel 9). Dr. Kimmel makes the point that the goal of effective parenting is how well-equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race. He writes, "We need to have kids that can be sent off to the most hostile universities, toil in the greediest work environments, and raise their families in the most hedonistic communities and yet not be the least bit intimidated by their surroundings. Furthermore, they need to be engaged in the lives of people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ's love inside these desperate surroundings" (Kimmel 9). His conclusion is, rightfully, that we are failing at doing this. His explanation why is that quite simply we have allowed ourselves to become scared. Dr. Kimmel then gives a few broad categories of flawed parenting within the Christian community: (1) Fear-Based Parenting, in which we allow our fears to determine our strategies of parenting; (2) Evangelical Behavior-Modification Parenting, in which the assumption is that if all the right Christian "stuff" is poured into a child -- the right environment, the right education, the right information, the absence of negative influences -- the child will turn out well; (3) Image-Control Parenting, in which we parent by a strict checklist of rules -- maybe wanting to do the right things but for the wrong reasons; (4) High-Control Parenting, in which we "leverage the strength of our personality or our position against our child's weaknesses to get them to meet our selfish agenda" (Kimmel 14); (5) Herd-Mentality Parenting, in which we simply follow what the Christian crowd around us is doing; (6) Duct-Tape Parenting, in which we simply patch problems instead of fix them; (7) Life-Support or 911 Parenting, in which we are in crisis mode. According to Dr. Kimmel, what all of these parenting styles have in common is that the parents have a flawed theology regarding God's attitude toward us, which creates a chain reaction of flawed decisions in how we raise our children. He also points out three categories of parents in general:
1) Judgmental Parents: Spend most of their time making sure their families are better than everyone else's. Their advice to their kids is a mixture of "God is watching you and so am I", and "You may be bad, but you're better than so-and-so". Children of these types of parents tend to leave home, acc. to Dr. Kimmel, with a sense of spiritual elitism.
2)Legalistic Parents: Spend most of their time making sure their family does everything right. Their advice to their kids is a mixture of "You owe God, so you better get busy", and "You may be bad, but if you try harder, you can ultimately please God". Children of these types of parents leave home feeling guilty and usually live their lives in stark contrast to the values of their parents.
3)Grace-based Parents: Spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. Their advice to their children is a mixture of "You are a gift from God; go make a difference", and "You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you're forgiven".
Dr. Kimmel says that the best model for parenting is found in one word: grace! The key characteristic of a grace-based family is that they aren't afraid, especially of all the evil around them. They have a keen awareness of their own struggle with sin, which makes them appreciate all the more the grace and forgiveness of Christ in their own lives and stirs them to love and good deeds for the right reasons (Kimmel 20). Another very important characteristic of grace-based parenting is the freedom it gives you, within God's clear moral boundaries, to make choices.
Finally, Dr. Kimmel writes that every human being has 3 fundamental needs: (1) A need for security; (2) A need for significance; (3) A need for strength. You meet the need for security by giving love, the need for significance by giving purpose, and the need for strength by giving hope. Satan's hope for our children is to get them to meet these needs in counterfeit ways. Grace-based parents know that they must have a plan to let God help us meet these needs properly in our children.
Sorry this first post is so long; this chapter is so rich with information. Below are some questions from the book to ponder; please post your comments and thoughts regarding this chapter and/or these questions.
1) Tim compares the job of parenting to putting together a puzzle without border pieces, a box cover, and one that includes pieces that don't belong. How does the culture you are raising your children in contribute to this analogy? How does your Christian culture contribute?
2) Tim says, "Raising kids with clear, moral boundaries can be an extremely lonely job." Can you relate? In what way?
3) Have you been guilty of or victimized by the use of measuring parents' effectiveness against an arbitrary or tighter standard? In what way?
4) What are the 'extra pieces' that have been thrown into your parenting puzzle? How have you dealt with them?
5) Realizing that none of us are perfect, which of the parenting methods that Tim describes do you sometimes lean toward? (Please be honest and grant grace.)
6)Which of the two overarching attitudes, judgmental parenting or legalistic parenting, have your experienced, either personally or from someone else?
7) As you look at the characteristics of a grace-based family in this chapter, what is most attractive to you?
First, Dr. Kimmel discusses some of the challenges facing parents; he uses the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle that is missing pieces, has some pieces from a different puzzle thrown in, and is missing the box cover with the picture of the finished puzzle. His point is that many parents in our culture parent like this -- with no clear picture of what they are doing. To further complicate the issue, our society has removed many of the moral boundaries that used to make raising children more clear-cut. According to Dr. Kimmel, this has led to two kinds of extreme parents, even in Christian circles: those who give their children no clear boundaries and those who create boundaries that are far more tight than they need to be in order to try to control their children. He also makes the point that within the Christian community, there are those who have turned what should be suggestions for good parenting into requirements for good parenting. He writes: "...Within the clear boundaries of God's moral law in the Bible, there is actually a lot of latitude offered as to how to raise your children. Unfortunately, it's easy for some voices to frame many good ideas as requirements for effective parenting" (Kimmel 9). Dr. Kimmel makes the point that the goal of effective parenting is how well-equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race. He writes, "We need to have kids that can be sent off to the most hostile universities, toil in the greediest work environments, and raise their families in the most hedonistic communities and yet not be the least bit intimidated by their surroundings. Furthermore, they need to be engaged in the lives of people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ's love inside these desperate surroundings" (Kimmel 9). His conclusion is, rightfully, that we are failing at doing this. His explanation why is that quite simply we have allowed ourselves to become scared. Dr. Kimmel then gives a few broad categories of flawed parenting within the Christian community: (1) Fear-Based Parenting, in which we allow our fears to determine our strategies of parenting; (2) Evangelical Behavior-Modification Parenting, in which the assumption is that if all the right Christian "stuff" is poured into a child -- the right environment, the right education, the right information, the absence of negative influences -- the child will turn out well; (3) Image-Control Parenting, in which we parent by a strict checklist of rules -- maybe wanting to do the right things but for the wrong reasons; (4) High-Control Parenting, in which we "leverage the strength of our personality or our position against our child's weaknesses to get them to meet our selfish agenda" (Kimmel 14); (5) Herd-Mentality Parenting, in which we simply follow what the Christian crowd around us is doing; (6) Duct-Tape Parenting, in which we simply patch problems instead of fix them; (7) Life-Support or 911 Parenting, in which we are in crisis mode. According to Dr. Kimmel, what all of these parenting styles have in common is that the parents have a flawed theology regarding God's attitude toward us, which creates a chain reaction of flawed decisions in how we raise our children. He also points out three categories of parents in general:
1) Judgmental Parents: Spend most of their time making sure their families are better than everyone else's. Their advice to their kids is a mixture of "God is watching you and so am I", and "You may be bad, but you're better than so-and-so". Children of these types of parents tend to leave home, acc. to Dr. Kimmel, with a sense of spiritual elitism.
2)Legalistic Parents: Spend most of their time making sure their family does everything right. Their advice to their kids is a mixture of "You owe God, so you better get busy", and "You may be bad, but if you try harder, you can ultimately please God". Children of these types of parents leave home feeling guilty and usually live their lives in stark contrast to the values of their parents.
3)Grace-based Parents: Spend their time entrusting themselves to Christ. Their advice to their children is a mixture of "You are a gift from God; go make a difference", and "You may struggle doing the right thing sometimes, but you're forgiven".
Dr. Kimmel says that the best model for parenting is found in one word: grace! The key characteristic of a grace-based family is that they aren't afraid, especially of all the evil around them. They have a keen awareness of their own struggle with sin, which makes them appreciate all the more the grace and forgiveness of Christ in their own lives and stirs them to love and good deeds for the right reasons (Kimmel 20). Another very important characteristic of grace-based parenting is the freedom it gives you, within God's clear moral boundaries, to make choices.
Finally, Dr. Kimmel writes that every human being has 3 fundamental needs: (1) A need for security; (2) A need for significance; (3) A need for strength. You meet the need for security by giving love, the need for significance by giving purpose, and the need for strength by giving hope. Satan's hope for our children is to get them to meet these needs in counterfeit ways. Grace-based parents know that they must have a plan to let God help us meet these needs properly in our children.
Sorry this first post is so long; this chapter is so rich with information. Below are some questions from the book to ponder; please post your comments and thoughts regarding this chapter and/or these questions.
1) Tim compares the job of parenting to putting together a puzzle without border pieces, a box cover, and one that includes pieces that don't belong. How does the culture you are raising your children in contribute to this analogy? How does your Christian culture contribute?
2) Tim says, "Raising kids with clear, moral boundaries can be an extremely lonely job." Can you relate? In what way?
3) Have you been guilty of or victimized by the use of measuring parents' effectiveness against an arbitrary or tighter standard? In what way?
4) What are the 'extra pieces' that have been thrown into your parenting puzzle? How have you dealt with them?
5) Realizing that none of us are perfect, which of the parenting methods that Tim describes do you sometimes lean toward? (Please be honest and grant grace.)
6)Which of the two overarching attitudes, judgmental parenting or legalistic parenting, have your experienced, either personally or from someone else?
7) As you look at the characteristics of a grace-based family in this chapter, what is most attractive to you?
Participating in the Online Forum
We are grateful to have everyone participating in our new parent book study. This forum is for those participating who are unable to attend the Wednesday morning discussions. It is also another opportunity for those who participate on Wednesday mornings to share with the entire group. Prior to each Wednesday session a discussion will be posted on the blog. The discussion will center around the material we are discussing that session. The moderator's thoughts will be shared as well as questions about the chapters. Your role is to comment on these posts! Please create an account as a member of the blog and then add your comments. We want everyone to feel a freedom to discuss. You can share as little or as much as you want. Once you make a comment, you may not see it right away, as all posts have to be approved. The potential for this is very exciting, and I hope everyone will feel a freedom to blog away!
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