This chapter begins with a discussion of Camelot and the story of King Arthur, Lady Guinevere, and Lancelot. It discusses the unfaithfulness of Lady Guinevere to Arthur, and the dilemma that it placed King Arthur in. He had to punish Guinevere for what she had done, and the punishment was death. However, his love for her, despite her unfaithfulness, caused him to want to grant her mercy. He could not do so, and risk looking weak in front of his people, so he hung his hopes on Lancelot rushing in to save her. Lancelot did, and Arthur was spared putting her to death. This is comparable to what God has done for us as sinners, except one important component was missing. There was never any justice for what Guinevere had done. With God's grace and mercy upon us, justice was paid through the death of His Son Jesus, and His love for us was shown.
A secure love is defined as a steady and sure love that is written on the hard drive of our children's souls. It's a complete love that they default to when their hearts are under attack. It's the kind of love that children can confidently carry with them into the future.
There are some reasons why children move into adulthood without a secure love. First, love can be incomplete because children feel they constantly have to compete for it. Second, love can be incomplete because our children feel like they have to earn it.
Kimmel defines love as the "commitment of my will to your needs and best interests regardless of the cost". The first part, "Love is the commitment of my will.." It is this part that may require a parent to be courageous, say no to one's fears, and place your feelings in check. The second part "to your needs and best interests.." is not about my needs and best interests. It is not in our children's best interests to give them everything they want. The third part "regardless of the cost" means that we may have to delay things in our own life, career opportunities, material possessions to love our children as they need it.
How do we make our children feel loved securely? First, Children know they are loved when they feel that they are accepted as they are. Children know they are loved securely when they are affiliated with a loving and honoring family. Lastly, Children feel they are loved securely when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.
Thoughts to ponder...
"What would your children asy they are competing against for your love and attention?"
"What part of Tim's definition of love is the hardest for you to carry out, and why?"
-Love is the commitment of my will
-to your needs and best interests
-regardless of the cost
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